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Sep. 11th, 2014 @ 01:18 pm V. Mars!

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May. 20th, 2005 @ 09:43 pm What a nice young lady...
Note: I no longer update on LiveJournal, I now use myspace: http://blog.myspace.com/senseirob

I was at a restaurant the other day and there was a couple at the next table. I would be lying if I said that the woman wasn’t quite the stunner. The guy with her looked like some chump who was lucky to be sitting at a table with her. My opinion quickly changed, however, when she opened her mouth. She did not eat pork and wanted her pork entree to be cooked without pork AND the pork removed from the appetizer that the two of them were sharing. Furthermore, she asked for Coke and when told that the restaurant only carried Pepsi, she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. When it came time to pay the bill, she would not let the guy pay for the Pepsi (even though she drank it) because she wanted Coke. The look on the guy’s face was priceless too: the “Yes, Dear” expression surely perfected over time. I bet she’s going to make a wonderful wife someday. If I see a story on the evening news years from now about a man committing suicide over pork chops, I’ll know what it was about.

I heard someone comment that it was surprising that such a pretty girl can be such a bitch. The rationale is since that she was born with a beautiful exterior she should also have a beautiful personality. I had to call bullshit to that theory. I always thought that it was widely accepted that a pretty person is more likely to be unpleasant since she doesn’t need to be polite. Bitchy hot girls will still get asked out by men because most men are shallow and are overly concerned with appearance. Plus, an attractive girl will still have friends without having to be especially nice because other girls will want to be her friend since popularity and attractiveness often have a close correlation. Of course, this theory doesn’t apply to any of my female friends reading this. All of my girl pals are hot AND great people. Well, except for Sandra. She makes the girl from Carrie seem like Mary Poppins.*

The book I’m reading right now is John Grisham’s The Last Juror. It’s about a young professional who discovers something heinous about an organization and does his best to change the situation despite very imposing odds. Oh wait, I just described all of Grisham’s books. He’s a good author so his books are still an interesting read despite the fact that they are usually pretty similar to his other works. Most of America agrees with me too since his books have spent more time at #1 than any other fiction author in the last 15 years. The last book I read was The Da Vinci Code, which has spent a kajillion weeks (or 110, same thing) in the Top 10. It’s very good and being made into a movie with Tom Hanks in the lead. Toooootaly wrong for the part but the most people won’t notice since America isn’t exactly a nation of book lovers. That’s all for now, go watch (or re-watch) Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, it’s amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing!

*I don’t actually have a friend named Sandra...I think. I hope I didn’t forget about a (soon-to-be ex-friend) Sandra I know.
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May. 13th, 2005 @ 11:48 pm A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away
Today I went to the Asian grocery store and looked for my beloved konjac gel candies. I didn’t expect them to be there and they were not, much to my dismay. If you’re familiar with these gel candies, the gelatin is made of yam flour and the candies contain a piece of fruit in the center. Needless to say, they were goooood. I know exactly who to blame for the unavailability of these great snacks: bratty little kids. Fuck all this “children are the future” and “a precious resource” garbage. A few kids choked to death on these gel candies and all of the sudden the FDA issues a major warning. The frickin’ box only says “WARNING, CONTAINS LARGE PIECES OF FRUIT” and “CHOKING HAZARD, DO NOT FEED TO CHILDREN”. Think of the choking incidents as natural selection rather than a tragic deaths.

Star Wars: Episode III – The Phantom Menace will be released next Thursday and I already have my tickets. Instead of putting on a 30-pound Storm Trooper costume and camping out for months at the wrong theatre, I just bought the tickets online. Those are about the same amount of effort, if you ask me. I’m a lot more excited about this movie than I was about the first two since this one doesn’t look like it’s going to blow monkey chunks. Unfortunately, I read a review from Variety.com and the dumbass author pulled a Tom Delay by spilling a major plot point with wanton disrespect for others. No “SPOILER” warning or anything! I didn’t complain to the author but I’m sure some Jedi geeks will trash his house with unsold Jar Jar Binks masks.

Until next time, May the force be with you.
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May. 6th, 2005 @ 11:05 pm The Apricot Breeze is just heavenly!
The busiest holiday for florists is Valentine’s Day, of course. But the second busiest is the holiday in honor of all the mothers in our nation. I went shopping at the mall the other day to get something for my mom. Of course, the first places I went to was her favorite stores such as Suncoast, Software Etc., and Champs Sports. OK, I guess I got a little distracted. One reason is that stores where I would find a gift consisted of ones I didn’t want to go in (Ann Taylor Loft) and stores I REALLY didn’t want to go in (Victoria’s Secret). I ended up getting body wash and muscle relaxant from Bath & Body Works. The straight (I believe) salesman there has to wear a pink apron and explain the difference between Cherry Essence and Watermelon Splash all day. I hope for his sake that they pay him well.

By now everyone is familiar with Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride from Georgia. It’s estimated that the search effort took in excess of $100,000, not including hours generously given by volunteers. The whole part that baffles me is that Jennifer’s fiancé still wants to marry her. Can you imagine what kind of trouble she’s going to be after he commits to stay with her through better or worse? “Take out the trash NOW or else I’m stirring it into your meals for the next week!” “We’re going to the Celine Dion concert or sohelpmegod I’m going to drive this car right past the barricade!” I guess we should thank him, he’s making the remaining dating pool a little bit saner.

Speaking of engagements, I wonder if how many other people read the wedding/engagement/anniversary announcements in the Sunday paper. I’m always amazed when I see an announcement celebrating a couple together for 50 years or more. Those couples are lucky find happiness in each other for such a long time. I don’t read the obituaries since I don’t know many people who are the dying crowd. Plus it must be shocking to accept that someone you used to know is no longer on this earth. I also don’t pay much attention to engagement announcements. Half of all marriages end in divorce anyways and you know if a couple is vain enough to buy an ad announcing their engagement, they are damn well going to announce it again if they actually do get married. The way I see it, engagement announcements is just a way for the man to announce that he is getting laid. A journalistic “How You Like Them Apples,” if you will. That’s all from me for now, with no “engagement announcement” likelihood anytime in the near future.
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Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 11:28 pm That's MISTER Big Ass To You!
Great news (at least for me)! There’s a sneak preview of Serenity in ten cities and Portland is one of them! Bad news! They sold out even before I received the email since it was posted on message boards first. Now that’s a total tease! Like that minister’s daughter who always sits in the front row with the low-cut blouse. (Don’t lie, I saw you looking at her too.) I might just have buy a ticket to see A Lot Like Love and then sneak into the preview, that sounds like a plan. Or I could bribe an usher with gummi worms. Who doesn’t like gummi worms?!? They’re soft, chewy, and fun to eat!

Hey, still having a hard time working off that holiday weight? Do you see Ben & Jerry more often than your own feet? Do you have no singing talent and go by the moniker J.Lo? Well, the Big John Toilet Seat™is just the thing you’re looking for! (From the press release: Big John Toilet Seats can be ordered by calling 1.866.366.0669 or log onto www.bigjohntoiletseat.com and upgrade to Luxurious First Class Seating.) God Bless America! Instead of getting off of our fat asses and putting down the cheescake, we just make bigger toilets!

I wish I had more to say but I’m just that dull. Hate to break it to you.
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Apr. 20th, 2005 @ 11:56 pm Chan, Robbie Chan; 007
Well, today is 4/20 and we all know that means. It’s time to get your bag of Cheetos, find your favorite lighter and…wish my friend Christy a happy 23rd birthday! For some reason hippies and thugs in the hood celebrate her birthday nationwide with a little smoke even though they don’t know her. I guess she’s just that special! A bit of trivia for all of you: In Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the score of the football game was 42-0. Most of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20 (but not all — when the kid receives the watch it's set at 9:00).

Whenever I used to play poker, I drove 40 minutes to a casino in La Center, WA. The hour and 15 minutes round-trip was kind of a pain so I usually stayed there all day whenever I went. The house also took ~12% and tipping another ~5% the dealer is practically required (it is technically an option to be a douche and the only player not tipping). Many players also smoked there so I always left smelling like a frickin burning cigarette factory. Last time I was there I heard of a poker joint on 82nd and Halsey. This kind of establishment isn’t exactly listed in the phone book so I just drove out there and tried to find it. When I got to the intersection, all I saw was a few restaurants, a bowling alley, and “lingerie shop.” As enticing as the woman outside and her “insulation” was, I kept searching. On 81st, I found a “Bridge Club” which would make a good cover for a poker place. I walked in and the “Bridge Club” was indeed a bridge club. Someone tried to recruit me for a game but I don’t even know how to play. Another guy told to me go to “The Warehouse” on 92nd and that’s where I finally found the (nonsmoking) poker club. I ended up winning $55 in two hours, which isn’t too shabby. I’ll probably go back there sometime, it sure beats driving over an hour to get second-hand smoke blown in my face.

The NBA Playoffs begin this weekend and Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and LeBron James are going to be watching the postseason with a lemonade in hand from the Caribbean rather than from the sidelines. The moral of this story: Go to college, kids. Actually, the true moral of this story is “HAHAHAHA, KOBE!! YOU SUCK. LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO WITHOUT SHAQ IS BUY OFF YOUR ACCUSERS.” *Ahem* Anyways, I expect the the Spurs to beat the Suns in seven games for the Western Conference Championship and the Pistons to beat the Heat in seven for the Eastern Conference Championship. Finally, I predict the Spurs will beat the Pistons in six for the NBA crown. I also expect that some day I will be the first Chinese Rock Star/Professional Poker Player/Secret Agent, so take these predictions with a grain of salt.
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Apr. 15th, 2005 @ 06:23 pm Clap your hand together!
Current Music: REM; Greatest Hits
Being the diligent guy that I am, I did my taxes on April 14th. I could have cut it a little closer but I do believe that earned me my procrastinator credentials for the year. I also discovered that the grand state of Oregon is caring enough to offer the following tax credit: “A credit is available if you have a permanent and complete loss of the use of two limbs. The credit is $50. If your spouse qualifies, they may also claim a $50 credit.” By golly, hand me that cleaver!! General Grant seems like a decent trade-off for the loss of two limbs. Boy, it’d really suck to lose an arm and a leg rather than two of the same. You couldn’t walk, play video games, or fondle two breasts simultaneously ; there’s barely any incentive to get up in the morning!

The Multnomah County Library has a decent collection of recent DVDs and I’ve been taking full advantage of it as a taxpayer (and “taxpayer,” I mean moocher). The last two series I checked out were Firefly and The West Wing, Season 2. Most people are well aware of how excellent the first three seasons of The West Wing were (for good reason) but Firefly is top-notch television as well. It’s from the creator of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (another underrated show) and has quite an interesting premise: a Space-Western about band of smugglers and their adventures. The Space part comes from the fact that the show is set 500 years in the future and the Western part is from the fact that horses and shotguns are mysteriously still used. Despite those anachronisms (ooh, SAT word), the dialogue is witty, the characters are deep, and the storyline is interesting. Unfortunately, Firefly was cancelled its first season like Freaks and Geeks, which is also a very good show. The good folks at Fox decided to air Firefly out of sequence (psst, “Rosebud” is the sled) and practically a different night each week to accommodate the baseball playoffs. I’m sure Fox was stunned, STUNNED, when Firefly did not receive what they considered adequate ratings. I guess they needed to find a time slot for The Will That My Illegitimate Father Left Me and My Sister Who Is Also My Wife 4 somewhere and Firefly drew the short straw. On the upside, Fox recognized their mistake following massive fan feedback and agreed to film Serenity, a Firefly movie, coming to theatres near you this September 30th. Keep an eye out for that!
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Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 11:08 pm Your Dragon Sabre or your life!
Have you ever had the urge to bet on the next Pope or when bin Laden will be captured? (Psst, the smart money is on Dionigi Cardinal Tettamanzi of Italy but you didn’t hear that from me) Well, it’s all available at Ireland’s Tradesports.com. Bless them Irish, gives us a betting exchange and one of the best drinking holidays of the year. I know that I just sounded like an ad but I’m just discussing about a site I joined (though I do get a bonus for referrals, hint hint). So far, I made $6.30 last week betting on the University of North Carolina winning the Men’s NCAA tournament but I lost $4.60 betting against Sin City grossing greater than $25 million over last weekend, which it did. I’d be a rich man if only I could bet for G.W. Bush destroying the environment (Sorry, Dubya, seals don’t look cuter covered in oil, I don’t’ buy it) and/or stealing from the poor to give to the wealthy. Current actual bets I have going are FOR Carrie Underwood to win American Idol, AGAINST Anwar Robinson winning American Idol, and FOR the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. Cross your fingers for me!

Stories about players selling digital versions of items for online role-playing games for thousands of dollars have become commonplace these days. Qiu Chengwei of Shanghai took that idea to the next level by applying his killer gaming skills in real life. Qui repeatedly stabbed Zhu Caoyuan after he learned Zhu had sold his Dragon Sabre used in the popular online game, Legend of Mir 3. Come on now, that’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t kill a guy unless he stole at least TWO Dragon Sabres or a Super-duper-hyper-level-power-pristine Sabre! [More details here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7341316/ ] I’m pretty sure that the GPAs for males in college would be at least a point higher if they were not allowed to play video games. There was this guy who lived in my hall one year who played games all night before his final exam and STARTED studying at 7AM. Needless to say, he didn’t exactly ruin the curve.

So the last week of March is apparently the hot time to have a birthday. Three of my close friends had birthdays last week; one of those friend’s ex-girlfriend was born in late March as well. I guess there’s something extra fertile in the June/July air. In an odd twist of routine, I had too many parties to attend last weekend rather than too few. The place I ended up going was a decent party but there were definitely some interesting events that took place including a friend coming out (but we all knew anyways), a dog peeing on a drunk guy, a Nerf Ball fight (and by “Nerf Ball” I mean a dozen eggs) and multiple holes in the wall possibly from a wall-punching contest. Needless to say, that was not fun to clean up. Not that I would know, I wasn’t there…mwahahaha. Alrighty, until next time watch your back if you have a Super-duper-hyper-level-power-pristine Sabre.
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Mar. 30th, 2005 @ 11:41 pm Hello Congresswoman!
Current Music: Eminem; Encore
“My party is demonstrating that they are for states’ rights, unless they don’t like what the states are doing.”
- Republican Representative Chris Shays, on the Terri Shiavo case.

I haven’t made many political opinions so far in my blog and I’m claiming that quote doesn’t count either because I was simply copying and pasting *plugs fingers in ears*. Speaking of politics, has anyone seen the new Ukrainian Prime Minister, Yulia Yushchenko?
Let me just say that she can be in charge of my republic any time she wants!

Back in the good ol’ US of A, the most genetically gifted member of the US Congress is Stephanie Herseth (Dem-S. Dakota)

I also wouldn’t mind being in a caucus with Hilda L. Solis (Dem-California)

In case you were wondering, the hottest US Senator is Mary L. Landrieu of Louisana
. I know she’s no model but keep in mind all US Senators are at least 40 years old.

Moving on, I just got back from the Houston Rockets vs Portland Trail Blazers game a few hours ago. I wasn’t a big fan of the woman reciting the national anthem, apparently she didn’t get the memo it’s supposed to be sung. Apparently whenever anyone does anything that could be considered remotely patriotic, she unconditionally deserves a round of applause. I’m pretty sure those cheering were the same people who hang little American flags on their pickup trucks to deter terrorists from striking again (that’ll show you, bin Laden!). Back to the game, the highlight of the night was definitely Yao Ming taking the ball full-court and passing behind the back to HIMSELF and finishing the fast break with a dunk. The Blazers guards could learn a thing or two from the 7’6” giant.

So my buddy Russell tells me that I write about the gym too much and I guess that could be the case since I always go to the gym and update my blog on Wednesdays. That’ll be the last mention of the gym in this week, you’ll have to get by without hearing more of my studly guns. Instead, I’ll be talking about jumping off of a bridge. You see, my life has lost all meaning and I think it’s time to put an end to all this. Alright, stop looking up the number to the Suicide Intervention Hotline; I kid, I kid. Melissa Borgaard wasn’t kidding thought when she drove her frickin’ SUV off of the Morrison Bridge. For those of you too lazy to click the link, she walked out of the hospital a few hours after being treated for the 55-foot fall. Could you imagine the ER waiting room conversations she was having?

“Yeah, I’m waiting to get treated for this ill-sounding cough.”
“Gee, this rash has won’t go away.”
“I plunged 55 feet into the Willamette River but please go first, ma’am.”

That’s it for today! Until next time, remember to put on a swimsuit and get out of your frickin’ SUV before going for a swim. Also, the pictures now work on this entry.

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Mar. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:26 pm M-I-L-F at the G-Y-M
Current Music: Nelly; Suit
In this Monday’s Oregonian, there was an article covering how the prison system is surveying their inmates for suggestions on how to improve the cuisine. The reasoning is that bad food has been named as a cause of some prison riots and that 95% of prisoners are eventually freed and feeding them slop every day will just make them angrier when they become released. That sounds pretty fucked up to me though. Sure, go rape and kill other human beings, you won’t have to worry about missing Pizza Fridays when you’re in the Big House. I’m sure that most felons asked whether their victims wanted Thousand Island or Ranch before they committed their crimes. In many other countries, prisoners are grateful to have not been executed and to receive a side order of scraps instead of a side order of an ass-kicking. Well, I can’t end a paragraph without a joke but I don’t have one so far so here goes: A retired astronaut opens a restaurant on the moon but it fails. It was a nice place but there was just no atmosphere.

My birthday is November 13, 1981, which makes me 23 years old. I consider that pretty young but I see people younger than me who are already parents. I was reminded of this while I was at the waiting section of the gym, which located by the Daycare section. While I was waiting for my ride, I saw all these girls (or very young women) going into Daycare and picking up kids. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that they are mothers unless 24 Hour Fitness is the spot for sisters and nannies to take their little toddlers. That’s kind of unsettling, it reminds me of responsibility, which in turns sends shivers down my spine. Seriously though, I don’t plan on having any kids until I’m at least 30 so I have much respect for anyone younger than me taking on the responsibility of raising a child. (It wouldn’t surprise me if a few of these kids were “Oops, did the rubber break…awwwwhatever” babies but they are still raising these children regardless.)

While there are a good number of young ladies working out at this gym, the Depends demographic is also fairly represented as well. Yet another reason why my gym at college was better: not only were there better facilities, you can be fairly sure when you’re checking out some girl’s ass that she is 21 rather than 51. Maybe there should be a rule saying members need to put their age bracket on their asses for everyone’s protection. I’d vote for that! Speaking of the youthfully-challenged, does anyone ever notice that all old ladies seem to smell the same? It’s like once you hit a certain age, the government sends you the standard perfume and wearing a different fragrance is punishable by incarceration. Yes, I’ve insulted the elderly and overweight people in my last two blogs; tune in next week when I mock cancer survivors and the handicapped!
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